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November 2, 2022

November 3, 2022

Grief in Children and Adolescents: Key Signs and How to Support Your Child

Grief is a natural response to loss. But this doesn't mean it's easy for children and adolescents to deal with. As a parent, you may feel helpless watching your child suffer. You might also worry whether your child’s reactions are normal.Although every child grieves differently, it is still helpful to be aware of the common signs of grief in children and teens. It’s also essential to know when to seek professional help, as grief can sometimes lead to more serious problems.

Although every child grieves differently, it is still helpful to be aware of the common signs of grief in children and teens. It’s also essential to know when to seek professional help, as grief can sometimes lead to more serious problems.

Keep reading to learn about the various signs of grief in children and adolescents, how these reactions show up across ages, and how you can support your child during this difficult time.

Children and Their Understanding of Death

Death is a difficult concept for children to grasp. Until they are school-aged, they do not understand that death is final. Even then, they can have a hard time understanding that death happens to everyone.

Adolescents start to develop a more adult-like understanding of death, but they do not yet have the emotional maturity to deal with it the way adults can.

How Grief in Children Differs from Grief in Adults

Both children and adults can experience a range of emotions after a loss—including sadness, anger, guilt, and anxiety. Young children have a limited understanding of death and often struggle to express their emotions. As a result, children often express their grief in different ways than adults do.

It is common for children to appear sad for a period then seem to forget about the loss and go back to playing. Children may also experience temporary behavior regression, such as bedwetting or thumb-sucking.

As children get older, they develop a deeper understanding of death. They may have more questions related to the details of the death and talk about the loss more often. However, older children and teenagers can still struggle to cope and process their emotions. Adolescents may withdraw from family, have a hard time concentrating, or experience behavioral problems.

Children and Grief: Common Signs and How to Support Your Child

The way children experience grief can differ from child to child and across ages. The signs are diverse and can include:⁽¹⁾

Anxiety
Clinginess and fear of abandonment
Guilt
Behavioral issues
Academic difficulties
Difficulty sleeping or eating
Regression to earlier behaviors
Inability to concentrate

Children need care and consistency to feel safe. They also need help understanding what death means and how to cope with the loss. Many parents wonder how to explain death to a child. The best thing you can do is to be honest and use clear, developmentally appropriate language.⁽²⁾

Here are some typical signs of grief through the different developmental stages and how you can help your grieving child.

Babies and Toddlers (0-2)

Babies have no concept of death, but they will react to separation from a caregiver or changes in routine by crying.⁽³⁾

Toddlers may sense that something is wrong, even if they don’t completely understand what has happened. They might become clingy and exhibit separation anxiety.

Common signs of grief in babies and toddlers include:

Do not understand death, experience it as separation
Increased crying and irritability

How to support your baby or toddler:

Keep routines as consistent as possible
Offer extra physical affection

How Preschoolers (3-5) Grieve

This age group still has a very limited grasp of death.⁽⁴⁾ They have not developed the understanding that death is permanent. It’s common for children this age to have periods of expressing their grief and periods of play.

Preschoolers often need many reminders, so don't be alarmed if your child asks the same questions multiple times.

Common signs of grief in preschoolers include:

Increased crying
Feeling fearful, including separation anxiety and nightmares
Regression to a previous developmental stage
Confusion about the permanency of death, such as expecting the deceased to be able to return or believing that they can visit the deceased

How to support your preschooler:

Provide developmentally appropriate information and honest answers to any questions
Avoid using phrases such as "went to sleep" or "passed away" as these can confuse young children. It is best to use direct language, even though it feels uncomfortable for adults, such as “he died”.
Continue consistent routines and rituals as much as possible
Be patient with repeated questions; this is your child’s way of trying to understand the loss.

How School-Aged Children (6-12) Grieve

When school-aged children grieve, they often experience a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and fear. They may start to worry about abandonment or that they are to blame for the death.

Because children may have a hard time expressing their emotions, they might act out in behaviors such as aggression, defiance, or school avoidance. They may also revert to earlier behaviors.

Common signs of grief in school-aged children include:

Feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness, and/or guilt
Physical complaints such as headaches or stomach aches
Expression of grief through their play
Behavioral problems
Temporary regression to earlier behaviors
Repeated questions about the death, curiosity about details
Difficulty concentrating

How to support your school-aged child:

Keep routines as consistent as possible
Provide opportunities for your child to express their emotions through talking or creative activities
Discuss death as a part of life and be available for any questions. Try to be patient as you answer your child’s questions, and allow yourself time to take breaks from questions if you feel overwhelmed.
Model healthy coping strategies
Offer opportunities to talk about the deceased, such as sharing favorite memories and creating new family traditions to honor them

Teenagers (13-18)

Adolescents begin to develop a more adult understanding of death, but they do not yet have the coping skills or emotional maturity of adults. Grieving adolescents and teenagers may feel isolated, sad, or angry. However, they might try to hide these emotions.

Teenagers have a strong desire for independence, so they may withdraw from family members. As a parent of a teen, you may feel like your support is not wanted or needed, but it is crucial to continue to be available.

Common signs of grief in teenagers include:

Difficulty in talking about their emotions
Questioning their understanding of the world
Increased anger or reckless behaviors
Withdrawal from family
Physical complaints such as stomachaches or headaches
Changes in sleep, energy levels, and/or eating habits
Difficulty concentrating

How to support your teen:

Be honest with them about your own grief
Be patient and available to your teen
Validate their emotions
If they don't want to talk to you, try to find another trusted adult they can speak with
Offer opportunities to talk about the deceased, such as sharing favorite memories and creating new family traditions to honor them

Children and Grief: When Grief Becomes a Serious Concern

Most grief reactions reach their peak intensity immediately after the loss and then gradually lessen over time—around 6-12 months. It is important to note that although grief often feels more manageable over time, the loss of an important connection in a child or teen’s life is likely to cause long-lasting emotions.⁽⁵⁾ However, sometimes, grief turns into a more severe concern.

The condition, prolonged grief disorder was recently added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Disorders.⁽⁶⁾ In prolonged grief disorder, the duration of bereavement is longer than expected and is accompanied by intense emotions and behaviors that cause significant distress and disrupt normal functioning.

Experiencing loss is also a risk factor for developing other mental health disorders. Research shows that children who lose a parent are at higher risk of depression, PTSD, struggling with their mental and emotional well-being, and engaging in normal activities.⁽⁷⁾

When to Get Professional Help

It can be hard to know when normal signs of grief turn into something more serious.

Some signs that your child may need professional support include:

Having difficulty functioning at school or home
Using alcohol or drugs to cope
A significant drop in school performance
Regressive behaviors that persist
An extended period of sadness, anger, guilt, and/or anxiety
Statements about wanting to die or join the deceased person
Symptoms of PTSD such as nightmares, reliving the event in their thoughts or play, being on guard for possible threats, or avoiding people and places related to the loss
Symptoms continue or get worse over time

As the parent or caregiver of a grieving child, you are a large part of their support system. Of course—this can be challenging if you are grieving yourself. Grief is a difficult journey, but families don't have to go through it alone.

Grief Counseling for Children Can Help

Sometimes grief persists, making it difficult for children to cope and return to their usual activities. If this is the case, grief counseling for children can be an effective treatment option.

Early identification and mental health intervention after a loss can significantly reduce the risk of long-term mental health problems.^(8,9)

Grief therapy can help children and adolescents process their emotions, develop healthy coping skills, and learn how to function in a world without the person they lost.

If you are concerned about your child's behavior or mental health, don't hesitate to reach out to a qualified mental health professional for help.

How Handspring Supports Grieving Children

Grief is a natural response to loss, but that doesn't mean it's easy to deal with—especially for children and adolescents. If your child is struggling, our clinicians are here to help.

Handspring is a leading provider of high-quality, evidence-based therapy for children and adolescents.

Therapy can help children develop life-long healthy coping skills. As they build their toolbox for dealing with grief, loss, and other life stressors, they will be better equipped to deal with whatever life throws their way.

Does your grieving child need more support? Reach out to book a free consultation today.

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